So This Is Me [2012]

Tis sad, I Like Blogger, I just dont have any followers, and its fun to create posts here.
I havn't posted anything in TWO years...Two years...thats a long time,eh?

 ALOT has happened. And tis sad, cause I started using this blog as an outlet, as a sort of diary.
BUT, Im glad to say,Im in a MUCH better place now,in 2012,

 than where I was in 2010, the last time i posted here.

 Which is good news,right? Right.
----------------------------------------------

So,yes. A SHIT load has happened in my life.
Things have changed, people have entered my life and left again.
This year, I have changed my hair the most times ever, 

and I did it all myself with my razor. 

When I chopped off my hair, it was my way of...'cutting', i guess? Sounds silly... but thats what I did. I was a...temporary cutter, in 2010/11. Thankfully,I never became a serious cutter, I never used it as MY way of coping with myself and my issues. If You are a cutter, DONT LET IT GET TO A POINT WHERE IT IS YOUR ONLY WAY OUT. Please dont. Get help, talk, do something that takes your mind off depression. Please mind yourself.
But, on the other hand, because I wasn't really a cutter, (but I did self-harm for a while) I destroyed myself,on the inside those two years. Maybe if I hurt myself on the outside, I wouldn't of hurt so much on the inside then. But,I wont ever know i guess.

 Mmh... What else happened during the last 2 years?
I developed my voice, which i am VERY thankful for. Thanks to my vocal teacher, Rachel, who has been training me for the past 2 and a half years now. Im VERY glad, and very blessed, and very thankful. I am more on my way to being a good singer now. Tjis year, 2012, I have landed a lead role in my school show. We did Les Mis, and I played fantine. Twas great it was.

I Dreamed a dream in time gone by...
When Hope was High, and Life worth living.

So, that was a brilliant thing because it was the first time the people in my school (bar maybe very few friends) who realized that I can sing, because I never flaunted it or showed off. I try to be humble.

This year, I began to speak to one of my old best friends. When we were 'best friends' she was the closest friend to me, I told her EVERYTHING and we loved each other, it was lovely. She had a fight with me in 2010,If i remember clearly, that added to one of the things that made that year the worst one of my life,so far.The last thing she said to me was that I was ' a selfish bitch' and that 'she is sick of my shit'.
Though,with me... I wasn't full of shit. I only get so attatched,it becomes almost obsessive.
And I try to everything for them, and try so hard to ensure that they love me.
Which...usually leads to them leaving me because im a freak.I dont like my White Knight Syndrome =____= stupid white knight syndrome...

But yeah, we started talking again this year.

That meant alot to me, cause she doesn't despise me then.
AND, I would rather be on good terms with everybody.

Also In the last 2 years, in October 2011, I met one of my closest friends Now.
Her name is Ciara. And we clocked straight away, when we met. She was this little awkward,shy, chatter box-because-she-is-nervous, anxious little human when we met! And I looked like a boy, when she had this long,curly black hair. So, now, we celebrated our One-year anniversary (yes, we are that silly) in October.
So,that was a major thing in my life. Though, now we're very different people, and we're 100% comfortable with each other now. So..yesh.

<- This is Us. Biba & Mello

This year, I moved house THREE TIMES IN ONE YEAR.
Yes. It was insane. And each house got better and better until our last move, less than a month ago now.
And its December now. Christmas is next Tuesday. Sigh. And there's  six of us,squished into a 3-bedroom house, which is TEENY tiny for us, as spoiled as that sounds. Sigh. I Miss my attic in our old,bigger house, but we got kicked out, for the second time. Sigh.

This was my beloved attic - R. I . P

-.-

Of course, there have been other brilliant and eventful things that happened

in my life this year...I Just dont want to document them here and now. I'll bore you person-who-is-kind-enough-to-read-this. But twas a great year full of LOTS of crazy ups and downs.
Right now, December 2012... at the start of this month, I have met a new person who has just walked into my life, and Im hoping they are here to stay. ♥
It could change my life.

Please dont leave me G<3
It would mean so much if you liked me back as much as I like you. For once, first time ever, somebody could like me back. It would be perfect. To start the new year with someone new and special.

 Please 2013...be kind to me.

♦ D e s i d e r a t a ♦

Max Ehrmann
 



Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Well Hello 2011.

In a way,I am very glad that 2010 is over and done with.

It was an AWFUL year.

So,so,SO much heartbreak, pain,manipulating,hatered,

Name-calling,rudeness,pathetic humans,Yelling,

Underestimating me and judging me <---THE worst thing to do to me By the way

So much telling me off,being awfully awful to Jenny.

It was absolutely,100% awful!!

It ruined my year.

It turned me into a lump of depression,self-pity and negativity.

And I HATE it. I want my optimism back.

I want my innosence back.

I want my life-loving self back.

But eh.This is a clean start.

A fresh book.

A brand new,clean,lovely-new-paper-smelling journal.  ->

(I adore journals,Books,Diaries,Notebooks.))

Hence,the love for brand new lovely-smelling books :'D

Anyyyyways,  I WANT to be happy.

 I WANT to smile constantly like i did before.

I want to enjoy living everyday,again.

I want to smile at others,

even though they are rotten and awful to me.

Though a part of me,is always telling me HELL NO!

Look at what the hell they all did!! LOOK how they HURT YOU!

You just CANT forgive them and you CANT dare SMILE at them,they are pigs.

Yes,Almost all the people in my year are pigs. And I have to deal with those pigs for a long,long time.

Three damned YEARS of school to go for Jenny.

I honestly have NOO idea how the hell im gonna live through

 THREE more years of that hellhole called school...

But like my mother keeps telling me,and Goddes,Thank you for her and bless her.

She listens to me (though not the way I would want to be heared and understood,sometimes)

But she listens. And Im glad she lets me love Wicca,and im thankfull she is an amazing woman and mother.

I do not see it alot of the time,and that i regret deeply when she doesnt see it.

Because I Love my mum. She is amazing.

I am so glad that she is a spiritual and intelligent human.

Those who are not,I find myself either  1)Disliking them strongly

 or 2) Finding them awfully boring and awfully awful

 or sometimes worse,I wont get into it.

I just need to and want to find more and more intelligent,great,good-hearted,spiritual people as i grow up. Because I need them.

I will die with theese pathetic stupid teenage kids who care about

only their shitty in-the-charts-rap-like-crap-shit,naked guys and girls,

Sex,Drugs,Drinking,and their fucking Addidas =_____=

 I SWEAR,I WILL DIE   DD;

Anyways,yet again,

I REALLY,really,reeeeeeeally hope,with all my damn heart,

That this is AN AMAZING YEAR.

It just HAS to be.

I think i was misreble-as-fuck enough.

WAAAY too much shit was thrown at me in 2010.

Maybe i deserved some of it,yeah okay.

 But half of it,i am sure i didnt.

Im just going to look at it as,what my mother says too,

 Challenges.

Karma and Life,are two bitches who will ,

 many a time,Enjoy,throwing random problems and challenges at my face,

Through-out my entire life,as long as that may be.

And ME,Myself and I, have a massive task-

 I must face theese problems,challanges,and fears- face them and solve them,

improve them, work them out, keep on living.

No matter WHAT,I must  Keep Living.

 I must always,always

 K  e  e p     M o v i n g    F o r w a r d .

|_____ That stuff right there,Yeaah. DO THAT.

Facebook | Jenny Oleinik

Jenny Oleinik:

"Fuck This Damned Reality...
I hate It.
I wish I could live in my fantasy worlds,
filled with only Love. No hate,No drama,no shit...Just love....

As I just told my dear Fariha Riaz ;
I'll turn into a hypocrite,and be like a selfish PIG and commit suicide
if my dreams dont come true and if my soul's true other half never shows up...
One day in this damned reality."

A Moment Of Criticising Honesty.(About Myself)

I  Wish. . . People Could Look Into My Eyes

And See Everything In Them

That I need to,And want to express and say to the damn world.

--->I will now write about myself and my feelings,

Being honest and admitting everything about my self.

I am Jenny.

I am a complex human being.

I am made of two halves,as one.

Two completely different halves

That make One- Jenny Oleinik...

I am a half of,
as i have been told... An Angel..
People have actuallly valled me an angel ...
They said there is a light in me,
　I understand them oh so well.
　they see me as perfect,
　they compliment me,
　are jelous of me,
    Some want to be me
　and what not...
　I find it shocking and crazy.
　And that half is oh so passionate and caring
　and understanding and beautiful and loving...


Then there's my other half,
　the dark half,
The Ying of the yang,
The thorns,
　The messed up,cruel being.
The one that expects way too much from the world,
when at times i dont even give that myself....
　That's fucking awful.. and i do that.. I admit that.
　The part of me that hates humans
for what they have become,
for how they behave,
the half that's slightly obsessed with the bit of uniquness it has,
and at times it's kept alive by the fact that nobody is as good as her. . .
When actually...
It could all be lies.      Im admitting that.


I am such a jelous cow. I admit it.
Envy seems to adore taking over me at times.
Life and friendships/relationships get hard at times because of that.
I do want someone all to myself.
 but In life,that aint gonna be possible. .
Because the damn world doesnt revolve around damn me.

I get jelous and hurt when I see a friend dear to telling me how
important somebody else is to them.
I hate it.  Im admitting it.

I can be very ugly.
Im admitting it. Yet i say that alot when i see my face in the mirror.
Im not BEAUTIFUL. If i was,i might be happy and proud.
 The only physical beauty i see in myself,by myself, Are My Eyes.
if only everybody could just pay attention and look through them.


It pisses me off when people get everything they want (or sometimes dont even want)
And even more,and they dont even deserve it.
 I admit it.     Because when i tell that to myself,
 I am in a selfish mood because I try my ass off at shit that I really want,
and yet I never get anything.
 And that makes me a hypocrite- I admit that.
I am a huge hypocrite at times.
 And i can be extremely selfish. I admit that.


A while ago,I did a test.
It was Numerology. I believe in all that stuff-Astrology,Runes,Numerology,etc.
 So,when I read my MASSIVE results,I was even kindof shocked..
It tottally described me to the core of my soul and every bone marrow in me.

'Because you are so highly charged, you experience the consequences of a two-edged sword. You possess great abilities, but indulge in much self-reflection and self- criticism. You often feel highly self-conscious. You are aware on some level that you stand out. Even when you try to blend with your environment, you often feel conspicuous, alien, and out-of-place. ..'
I criticise myself. ALOT.    I admit that.



I am a fat cow- I love to eat my food.
 I admit that.  At times,Im like Joey in friends :  'JOEY DOESNT SHARE FOOD!'
Because im hungry at times,and selfish,yet again.
 And I am now 10 kilos overweight. And its MY fault - I admit that too.
I need to loose them. Or else
1) I'll never be happy.
2)My mum,photographer,grandmother and director will always keep telling me to my face or behind my back,to my mother.
3) I'll always be jealous of other girls in stageschool or auditions,or places
    because they're all skinny-long-haired-pretty people.

 Plus,The camera adds a loud of kilos.
So,I am even more fatter in a video or photo than I already am In reality.
So cop onto yourfuckingself Jenny and stop eating shit.
Hey,At least I know all this and admit it to myself.


Well....Right now its 3:05 am. And thats quite alot of criticising.
For now anyways. That's all I have,for now once again.
Whoever reads this,Thank You for reading
 and I hope that now you might have an
insight into my personality.Even just a wee bit.
I cant really think of anything right now...
 So, Jenny - O u t.   ~JenN.||♥



<>



Ahhh.  S C A B I O R.

 I wanna eat him up.

And let him snatch me.

So,The first snow in Dublin
Decides to fall at the end of November,eh?
 It's been freezing lately. Like SUPER cold.
 School is awful. Being without a proper roof,and not allowed my own scarf and boots,etc (To keep me WARM) Does NOt help. So,It sucks severely. -___-

Winter is pretty. There are so many beautiful things to find. Like the frost's designs on your windows in the morning when you're off.
A cobweb of a spider,that is covered in snow and rain particles.
The beautiful,glittering crystals in the snow.
Mmm ♥

 But nowadays life has been hard for me.
 I feel selfish,broken,alone,depressed and jealous.
 Its called being HUMAN.
 But...It's too hard and dissapointing for me,sadly.


Anyways,I took theese when the first snow well out,
On Saturday morning last week.

This was a piece of ice

That i found on a table in my garden.

Some water froze over,and created this :']

That morning,I felt awful,from the night before..

Some friends made me feel like shit and some bailed on me.

Anh,was the only one kind enough to think about me.

Even though she was hoping to meet up with a new friend

which was meaning to be more important than me.

But...She's a good hearted one.

Though I tend to get so damn jelous because she loves others

And some more than me. Im just so lucky to have her,

But a part of me wants her all to myself- Hense,Im a shelfish cow.

But Anh,being the kind soul,

Came over to make me feel better. And we went out for a bit.

<--Priceless. ♥